I read this blog post last night http: 18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With
I wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. I, of all people, believe in the notion of face-to-face communication, and pull for intellectually stimulating conversations in lieu of computer games, social media, TV, etc.
I am a hopeless romantic and a realist, simultaneously, though I realize the paradox in having both mindsets functioning at once. What derives from being a hopeless romantic and a realist? The notion that relationships take work, especially in the face of a world that is so (freakishly) obsessed with social media and technology.
The “Ugly Truths” that exist in dating in the modern world do NOT derive from social media or the rapid integration of technology into society, it is the mere fact that we as humans are ALLOWING technology and the notion of simplicity and lack of effort slime over our efforts to pursue thoughtful, understanding relationships.
The problem is that we forget that WE have control over our emotions and that WE control what happens in our relationships. We have no one to blame for the quality or manner of our relationships but ourselves.
So alas, here is what I have to say about a few of these “Ugly Truths” about modern dating that apparently we have to “deal with”.
1. The person who cares less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested.
Counter: Relationships are NOT founded on power. A relationship should have a loving foundation, and two people who love one another equally. Someone you want to invest your love in will not play games, or pretend not to be interested in order to have control. Of course we all have different ways of showing our love, we all have a different love languages. But if the person you are dating is after power and not love, this person isn’t cut out for a relationship, and definitely someone you don’t want to associate with.
2. Because we want to show how cavalier and blasé we can be to the other person, little psychological games like ‘Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back’ will happen. They aren’t fun.
Counter: Again, who wants to be with someone who is cavalier and blasé? Do not date someone who intentionally tries to mess with your feelings. Secondly, why is the youth so concerned with texting? We need to stop being so dependent on technology. An hour or two goes by without looking at your screen? Good! Finally! You should want to date someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone. It’s a good sign when someone can take a break form their phone and function in society without being glued to a screen.
3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.
Counter: I don’t see how this is true at all. Yes, people can be difficult to read sometimes. But it’s simple really, if a guy (or girl) is genuinely interested in you, they will make an effort. Someone who is not, will not make an effort.
4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.
Counter: This is such a shame. WHO decided phone calls are a dying art? WHO is forcing our youth to communicate via text? No one, that’s who. Stop being lazy and pick up the phone, it is as viable as a text message, you just have to make a conscious effort to break the habit of sending a text over a call. But really, it isn’t hard. So stop complaining!
5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts & social media. If you aren’t the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table.
Counter: Set plans are not dead. If someone feels you are worth while, they will make plans, or attempt to. But, realistically, shit happens and sometimes things come up. Be with someone who understands when things happen, and won’t hassle you when something comes up, not someone who will doubt their meaning if you can’t make it. Patience and understanding are essential in relationships, and especially in the developmental stages of a relationship.
6. Someone who hurt you isn’t automatically going to have bad karma. At least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat and betray and move on happily while the person they left is in shambles.
Counter: Is this news to the writer? Life has never been fair, and never will be. Grudges don’t hurt anyone except yourself. You don’t want to date someone who runs around wishing bad karma on people. Play with the cards your dealt. Choose to take your trials as opportunities for individual growth, not a chance to blame the world for your problems. Don’t be with someone who is angry at the world and other people for the inevitable fact that life is unfair.
7. The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all.
Counter: This writer is incredibly shallow, and this comment is a reflection on how insecure people operate. Physical appearance shouldn’t have such a drastic affect on impression. You always shouldn’t date someone who deems physical appearance so important. There is a difference between being attracted to someone (or not), and allowing one’s physical appearance affect how you treat another individual. That’s it, that’s all.
8. “Let’s chill” & “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and appear to be here to stay.
Counter: I’ve hung out with plenty of people who said, “Let’s chill” and “Wanna hang out?” that I haven’t hooked up with. Don’t be ignorant, if you don’t want to be a booty call, then don’t be. Be assertive with what you want, and how you want to be treated. If you’re not looking for a physical-only relationship, then don’t engage in one.
9. Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you. At least, not until after they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory.
Counter: This goes both ways. If you’re seeking more than sex, then make sure the feeling is mutual. This IS modern dating, woman (and men) are allowed to forgo sex if they don’t feel comfortable. Woman (and men) have rights, they have a voice. If you are so concerned about giving up your “prize” then you should put more thought into who you’re sleeping with before you sleep with them, and the circumstances under which you do so
11. So many people are scared of commitment and being official that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. I’ve said it many times before, I’ll say it again – “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn’t cheating because, hey, you weren’t together together.
Counter: Good things take time. There’s nothing wrong with a label free relationship while getting to know one another. Sure, it blurs the line, and is a short term solution. But don’t look at it so negatively, think of it as a testing period. I speak from personal experience. It’s a good period of time when you say, “Hey, I like you but I just want to see where things go”. That’s ok! Our youth is so concerned with rushing into marriages and relationships, it’s good have time to get to know one another. Sure, It can be tricky when feelings start to get involved. When you feel yourself starting to get emotionally attached, be assertive. If the feelings aren’t reciprocated, take it as a learning experience, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
12. Social media creates new temptations and opportunities to cheat. The private messaging and options for subtle flirtation (e.g. liking of pictures) aren’t an excuse or validation for cheating, but they certainly increase the chances of it happening.
Counter: This is outrageous. A potential partner should NOT cheat under ANY pretenses. Social media is NO excuse. If a man (or woman) is going to cheat on you, it is indicative of his/her character, period. Social media does not “increases the chances of [cheating] happening,” shitty people and poor character are cheaters, regardless of social media. No one ever said, “I only became a cheater because I got Facebook/Instagram and became tempted like never before,” because that’s ridiculous.
13. Social media can also create the illusion of having options, which leads to people looking at Facebook as an attractive people menu instead of a means of keeping contact with friends & family.
Counter: Social media is what you make of it. You don’t want to date someone who said, “I’m dating her (or him) because she was hot and on Facebook”. Don’t blame social media for the shallowness of an individual, they are responsible for their own actions and thoughts. Social media doesn’t create illusions, people do.
14. You aren’t likely to see much of someone’s genuine, unfiltered self until you’re in an actual relationship with him or her. Generally people are scared that sincerely putting themselves out there will result in finding out that they’re too available, too anxious, too nerdy, too nice, too safe, too boring, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not some other person enough to be embraced.
Counter: This, I actually agree with. But, if you’re looking for someone to engage in a relationship with, don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not in order to be loved, that comes with a long list of repercussions. Be yourself, and eventually you will find someone who loves every part of you, even the boring, safe (or whatever) parts that make you who you are.
15. Any person you get romantically involved with you’ll either wind up staying with forever or breaking up with them at some point. These are equally terrifying concepts.
Counter: True. But, that’s the risk. Love is about risks. You take a risk on another person, and you take a risk on yourself, and you take risks together. Try not to get so worked up about the end result of a relationship, enjoy the journey. Because that’s what life is about, right? Focusing on the potential of breaking up is like focusing on the potential of dying: it consumes you and prevents you from being in the moment and enjoying what’s in front of you.
16. When dating, instead of expressing how they feel directly to you, a person is more likely to post a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of a sunset with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it, and while it may not mention your name, it’s blatantly directed at you.
Counter: I also agree with this. Our youth has a terrible habit of being passive-aggressive and non-assertive. The key to a relationship (even while dating) is good communication. If you have a problem, address it. Keep your problems to yourself. There is no one who understands a relationship more than the two people who are in it, so don’t flaunt your relationship to the public — it’s an open invitation for other people to get involved.
17. There are plenty of people who’ll have zero respect for your relationship and if they want the person you’re with, they’ll have no qualms with trying to overstep boundaries to get to ‘em. Girl code and guy code are wishful thinking and human code isn’t embedded in everyone.
Counter: *See answer to #16. Also, this is true, and has always been true. If you trust your significant other, then this shouldn’t be a problem. If you don’t have trust in a relationship, then you have nothing.
18. If you get dumped, it’s probably going to be pretty brutal. People can cut ties over the phone and avoid seeing the tears stream down your face or end things via text and avoid hearing the pain in your cracking voice and sniffling nose. Send a lengthy text and voilà, relationship over. The easy way out is far from the most considerate.
Counter: This is true, unfortunately. This points to the meta-narrative (general idea) of this piece: don’t be that person. Don’t be the person who submits to the “easy” way of doing things. Don’t evade face-to-face communication. Don’t let technology and social media affect your ability to behave respectfully, honestly, and efficiently in relationships, both romantic and non-romantic.